The home is a mess. PMS shows up its energy in all corners. In unwashed dishes, clothes on the floor, trash bags lined for being taken out. I was thinking that I wish someone could magically come and clean everywhere to get me out of this mess. A wicked witch on its flying broom, knocking my window "Do you need a hand?" And then, all of a sudden, everything is organized and clean in a blink. 

I can't imagine any real human come to my house and help me out. I will be too ashamed. I can almost hear them saying things in my back. "Have you ever been to her house? She's such a mess. I already feel bad about her future husband and kids."

I can remember what my mom snd aunts were saying about one of family's daughters-in-law. "Did you see her bathroom? The stains were clear. She's organized, but not clean. Not at all. Coming from a poor family, it's no wonder to not learn about cleanliness." "No it's not about family. She's just too lazy in my view."  I can't let anyone talk shit in my back like this. 

But then I remembered when I visited one of my friend's home and his home was a total mess too. Way worse than what my home is right now. Did I felt a dislike in my heart for him? No. I still liked him as much. I just felt I've been a bad friend for not understanding the depth of his depression, that had led to him not having energy to clean up as should. I helped him to clean everywhere and I just felt good knowing that he is taken care of. There was no shame pointing. No judgment. No backbiting. 

But I can't see other people like myself. I can be compassionate with others, but can't believe someone's compassion for me. I can't imagine anyone around me, to see me in this mess, and not thinking bad of me. 

But I thought, I know that I need such a person in my life. Someone who takes care of me when I'm not in the mood. I shouldn't be pleased with any less of that.